#30 Gossip Websites.

You wouldn't know it by looking at him but nothing gets Nait's engine revving more than checking out such websites like "Perez Hilton", "The Superficial" and "TMZ".

Brad and Angelina getting married? You bet that Nait has an opinion. Kate and Owen. Oh.My. God. Nait CANNOT believe that they are getting back together. Matt Leinhart and Nick Lachey hanging out with slutty eighteen year old girls, well, actually, Nait thinks that is pretty cool.

If you are even looking to get Nait really riled up talk to him about how you think Brittany is a "total physco slut". This will enrage Nait to no end. It is a well known fact that Nait actually loves Brittany Spears. Tell him that you were joking or feel his wrath.

#29 Doing Nothing.

Nait is so steadfast in his desire to do nothing that he even started a website devoted to documenting his efforts to do just that; nothing!

During Nait's most recent Buffalo residency if you were to ask Nait to go for a hike, he would would respond with a polite, "Sorry, but I can't do anything". Or if you asked Nait if he would be interested in playing a game of strat-o-matic baseball he would come back with a "I'd love to but I have a lot of nothing planned". Nait adheres to these rules very stricly as evidenced here and when he does do stuff he goes out of his way to forget it as shown here.

There are obvious exceptions to this rule though. It is suggested that if you must ask Nait to do something that you ask him to join you on a bike ride. He MIGHT say yes to that.

#28 Making Soup.

When you live on a limited budget your food options are somewhat limited. You are unable to dine upon fine filet's six days a week with luxurious lobsters on the seventh. This is one of the main reason's Nait loves soup.

It is a little known fact that when you pinch pennies together hard enough it actually creates soup. When you pinch pennies from 1973 you get chicken noodle. When you pinch pennies from 2007 you get asparagus brie and pennies from 1956 you get chili. Needless to say Nait prefers to pinch older pennies.

When approaching Nait if you mention that you have some turkey bones that you don't know what to do with he will drone on for hours about how to make a good soup. You will be pleased.

#27 Kissing Boys.

I'm just kidding Nait. April Fool's.

#26 Tapered Jeans.

Nait has large feet. To better demonstrate how huge those feet are Nait likes to wear tapered jeans. Be they Levi's or Rustlers, Wranglers or Old Navy Nait doest not care about the logo and the message it sends on the back of his jeans. Nait only cares about the message he is sending with his ankles "I will not follow every whimsical fashion trend!"

Nait began wearing tapered jeans in 1980, the year he was born. His folks bought him his very first pair of Levi's 512's for Christmas that year and he has never looked back. When asked about this, Nait will dismiss the notion with the statement "My family didn't even celebrate Christmas until I was a teenager" When he does this just tell him that you understand. Then slowly walk away.

If you ever see Nait walking through a local thrift store, yell "HEY NAIT, THE TAPERED JEANS ARE OVER HERE!" You will succeed in getting his attention though he may think that they are coming back in style. For that reason Nait may ignore you and buy some boot cut khaki's. Don't be offended. Nait just likes being "ahead" of the fashion curve.

#25 Falling Asleep In Places Other Than Bed

Most people enjoy sleeping in beds. Not Nait Rey though, you give him the comfort of a warm, inviting couch and the smile on his face cannot be removed. Nait is not limited to sleeping on couches though. Here is a brief photo essay of places Nait likes to sleep.



















To acquire Nait's friendship tell him about how much you love sleeping while sitting up, wearing sunglasses on a couch. You will forever earn his trust.

#24 Quoting The Simpsons

There are many ways that Nait likes to show off his uncanny abilitiy to remember stupid shit. All of those take a backseat to Nait's love of quoting The Simpsons.

Nait is undeterred by the fact that they show hasn't been relevant for ten years. In fact this just adds to the appeal for Nait since Nait really loves old stuff (see #9).

If you are looking to impress Nait say something like

"Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours." or

"I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman!"

Added bonus points if the quote is in no way relevant the the conversation you are having. Nait will think that you are clever and when no one else gets or laughs at the joke Nait will say

"Don't have a cow man!"

#23. Blacking Out

As mentioned in Post #17, Nait's preferred method of intimacy is cuddling. Girls - You want to hold his hand, he wants to hold your body.

However, "just cuddling" after a full night of drinking isn't as easy to accomplish as it may appear. Sometimes a former ladylove winds up in his bed or he simply takes home the wrong girl and one thing can lead to several other things. And lets not forget, Nait's a gentleman and if he's only just met a girl he may not want to meet all of her at once.

Nait's penchant for blacking out during alcohol consumption accomplishes his desires thusly:

1. Whiskey dick is the safest sex he'll never have.

2. If the girl gets aggressive, as harlots are wont to do, any belligerent or defensive act by Nait has a built-in excuse the next day.

Nait stands 4 kegs tall and can hold just as much booze but that doesn't mean he'll remember much more than keeping his pants on the night before. If you ever get in trouble for being foregtful and you're feeling down about it, talk to Nait. He'll offer up a comforting smile and many warm tales of things he can't recall.

#22 Salt.

No, you are not misreading this, Nait love of salt cannot be confined to only one post. I mean, the guy really loves salt.

Nait's loves of salt resulted in him purchasing the Veruca Salt album Eight Arms To Hold You under the impression that it was a woman's real name. He then told his middle school classmates that he planned on marrying Veruca and taking her last name.

Nait's most common phrase from the kitchen while he is cooking is "THIS SHIT NEEDS MORE SALT" even though he has already used an entire pint of Morton's in the said soup.

Someone even once accused Nait of chewing salt like bubble gum. At this time, that rumor is unsubstantiated.

If you learn anything from this website it should be that you should always keep a couple hundred packets on salt in your wallet so that in the off chance that you see Nait and he doesn't have any salt that you can offer it to him. He will be pleased.

#21 Salt.

Neither Chicken Nuggets nor steak or tator tots or shake and bake, none of these is complete to Nait without a huge dose of salt. Sometimes, in an effort to sound cool Nait will refer to salt by its chemical name, NaCl, rather than its common name, salt.

Nait has been known to add salt not just to every day items but sometimes to strange things as well. In fact, it is rumored that sometimes, after cuddling, that Nait will add a pinch of salt to a young ladies lips before he kisses them.

One of the biggest reasons Nait chose Buffalo for his mission to try and survive on as little money as possible without working was so that during the winter, when hungry, he can just go to the streets and grab some salt to add to his fish sticks.

So if you ever come across Nait looking confused in a restaurant let him know that you have plenty of extra NaCl at your table. He will appreciate your usage of slang and will join you at your table.

# 20 Using Too Much Toilet Paper.

Like most humans, from time to time, Nait Rey has to take a shit. No shame in that. We all do it. No big deal, right? Well, not exactly. Nait has a tendency to use far more toilet paper than the average adult male.

For some reason it is believed that Nait takes great pride in this act of disrespect towards roommates. Past roommates have even gone so far as to buy rolls that are labeled "Twice The Length Of Your Average Roll". Sadly, this does not seem to do any good. It is almost as if the more toilet paper available the more that gets used! Past instances of this being brought up to Nait have resulted in him saying "When it is twice as long that means half as thick!".

So if you have made a posting on craig's list looking for a prospective roommate in the greater Portland area it is suggested that you ask them their toilet paper using habits. If they respond with the answer of "average" feel safe with having them move into your home. Though if they respond in any other fashion it is suggested that you purchase a copy of Baseball Prospectus 2008 and study up. You will need to know what Yadier Molina's expected EQA+ is for this upcoming season.

#19 Saying "UuuuuUuughhg"

When Nait Rey is upset you will hear the mangling of sylabelles that comes out as "UuuuuUuughhg". Often times he will follow this gargling noise with a "Come on" followed by your name.

Nait often makes this noise when you misquote a Bob Dylan lyric or when the Buffalo Bills allow a touchdown. Needless to say with the Bills porous defense and Dylan's lyrics which often are unintelligible without a translator, this tag line of sorts is heard quite often.

If you hear this cacophony of "u's", " g's", and "h's" it means that you have gotten underneath Nait's skin. It is recommended that you cut your loses and walk away. Though you may also bring up of the things listed on this website many of which Nait actually does like.

#18 Tony Larussa

According to baseball-reference.com Nait Rey fell in love with Tony Larussa in 1996 when he became the manager of Nait's beloved St. Louis Cardinals. The truth is though that it started long before that.

Nait loves simulation baseball games. Nait and his father spent many night's of Nait's youth playing old editions of the classic simulation game Strat-O-Matic. Nait claims that he has also been in the same fantasy baseball league since he was in elementary school. Nait says that he is in that league with his "other" friends and there are no open spots.

Tony Larussa became an object of affection to Nait as early as 1991 when he lent his voice and likeness to the computer game Tony Larussa Baseball. It is believed that Nait often times would play this while locked in his room, making this the only thing that he loved at this point of his life more than homework.

So when you see Nait looking to the stars wondering if Tony Larussa is out there driving drunk somewhere tell him that you love scrappy short stops and batting your pitcher eighth. Just make sure you know your stuff, otherwise Nait will make you look foolish.

# 17 Cuddling.

From the front. From the back. From the side. The direction is not important, the only thing that matters is that Nait Rey is going to cuddle you and cuddle you hard.

Many years ago while at a house party a friend of Nait's was cuddling a girl on a couch. For a short period of time, Nait's friends called that friend the cuddle monster. Sadly, he lived in New York City and rather than waste a good nickname on someone that Nait's friends only saw once or twice a year it was decided that Nait would become the new cuddle monster.

Thankfully Nait took to this nickname with the same reckless abandon that he has taken to his middle name. If you were a young woman in Buffalo, New York between the time of June 2003- May 2006 or May 2007 - January 2008 the odds are that Nait cuddled you.

If you are a woman who has romantic designs on Nait it is highly suggested that you try to pick him up with the line "Let's skip the sex and get right to the cuddling". Sooner than later you will have sore writs from writing out wedding invitations.

#16 Keeping Stats

If you put a random sequence of numbers in front of Nait Rey it can be guaranteed that they will not be random for much longer. Nait will take those numbers and plug them into an excel spread sheet so quickly that you would think that it was his job. It is not. He is a humble delivery man who doesn't want to embarrass other statisticians at the local accounting firm.

Be it writing down random notes during a bubble hockey game and creating a website devoted to those stats or knowing that Ben Fransico went 8-15 with a .684 slugging percentage in Buffalo Bisons games last year that he attended Nait will always have some numbers ready for you.

So if you ever see Nait holding a pencil with a broken tip tell him you know a place around the corner that sells pencil sharpeners. He will be grateful, well at least 98% of the time.

#15 Ruining The Buffalo Sabres Season.

The year was 2006 and coming out of the NHL lockout the Buffalo Sabres has emerged as one of the hottest team in the entire league. Their blend of skill and speed was one that every NHL team was attempting to model theirs after due to the success of the Buffalo style of play. That is until Nait Rey decided to pick up and leave the beautiful streets of Buffalo, New York for the perpetually grey Pacific Northwest.

Nait and his friends often times watched games while putting down their daily quota of the beer Old Vienna. The Sabres going into the playoffs were a very sheik pick to win the Stanley Cup. Well, that is, until Nait brought all of the good karma with him to Portland.

After spending a year in Portland, Nait, upon seeing how excellent the President's Trophy winning Buffalo Sabres were doing, decided to move back to Buffalo. Guess what though, Nait used up all of his good karma in Portland and the Sabres were eliminated from the playoffs within six days of his return home.

So this year Nait decides to move back to Portland and guess what happens? The Sabres stink again. Strangely enough, the Portland Trailblazers are playing waaaay above their talent level. Is it a coincidence that every time Nait decides to move that Buffalo sports suffers? Maybe. But it is still advised, when engaged in conversation, to bring up the time you moved from Queens to Seattle and the Mets totally blew a 7 game lead with 14 to play. Nait will tell you he understands and the two of you can write apology letters to all of your friends together.

# 14 Trouble.

It is a little known fact but Nait's middle name is actually "Trouble". Seriously, it is. Believe it or not he has taken that name to heart more so than any one person has taken to their name in the history of man before him. Is is a very appropriate middle name.

Nait gets himself into trouble in many different ways. First and foremost, when I make blog entries about him his name isn't recognized as a word. Seeing that little red squiggly line every time I write Nait Trouble Rey, well, it really grinds my gears. Nait has also been known to drink Sparks in a parking lot. It is against the law to drink an open alcoholic beverage in a public place.

If you every stumble across Nait in a co-op picking up non-organic produce you should tell him how you stole some caged chicken eggs from the same co-op last week. He will probably consider doing the same with that produce.

# 13 Smoking Cigarettes When Drunk.

When Nait's friends began smoking, he did not. It was rather commendable. While other teen's were taken in by the allure or nicotine and looking cool, Nait was always above it. That is until about two years ago. About that time Nait started getting drunk enough to have an occasional cigarette.

Sure, maybe he had kicked a few too many back before then but it was not until that time that he began considering entering "flavor country". During his first tour of Portland there were even accusations of him buying a pack of cigarettes from a local gas station. These reports are yet to be confirmed.

So if you see Nait standing aimlessly standing outside of a bar in the Pacific Northwest it may prove worthwhile to say "Hey brother, need a cigarette?" It is unknown how he will respond but it is a safe bet to assume that he would not hit you.






*Nait Rey is totally a pacifist

#12 Correcting Websites Written About Him.

There once was a time when the internet was like the wild west. People could throw around slanderous statements and flat out lies with little or no repercussions. Today's internet is not that same place. See, Nait Rey has taken it to his own accord to say that he is in fact considering purchasing a car after reading this very website. Well, he didn't say purchase a car. One could imagine that he is going to steal it. As of right now it is not known how Nait feels about stealing. Though, if it turns out that in fact Nait Rey does enjoy stealing things it will be reported here first.

In the meantime, if you see Nait frolicking in the park picking daisies, approach him with the information that when you were in high school that there was a slamsite about you. Just like Lila in the television show Friday Night Lights. He will reply with "I have a website where my friends lists things that I may or may not actually care for!" Needless to say, you will probably be playing a game of chess within minutes.

#11 Urban Planning.

There once was a time when Nait relied on his car to get every where. When you live in a spread out urban area like the Buffalo Niagara region, Nait reasoned, that one just needed an automobile to survive. Upon Nait's departure of Buffalo to the grand city of Portland, Oregon he saw that in a well planned city with public transportation and lanes for bicycles that an automobile is completely unnecessary.

Since that time Nait has been quoted as saying such things as "Why would you put a highway in the middle of your parks system?" and "A four lane highway along the waterfront? Brilliant!" Nait was thinking about going to grad school for urban planning just so when he is traveling he can use technical terms like "sustainable development" and "defensible space theory" when describing how much better Portland is than whatever city he is visiting at the time.

To get Nait's attention at a bar it is suggested that you bring up urban decay in rust belt cities. Nait might just buy you a Schlitz.

#10 Homework.

Growing up Nait Rey was often mocked by the other students for enjoying homework. While the other kids were out playing kickball, Sega Genesis or making out under the bleachers, Nait was always locked away in his room, reading at a 8th grade level while only in 3rd grade.

It was a sign of things to come for Nait. Being locked in his room studying Chem-Math while only in 6th gave him the social skills that have benefited him as an adult. Nait's proficiency in such activities as sleeping all day, reading in his bedroom or spending hours by himself driving around Portland are a direct influence of his love of doing his homework.

If you ever find yourself talking to Nait and a lull in the conversation comes up it is strongly advised that you comment to him that all of your friends used to pick on you for getting "A's" in elementary school. The two of you will becoming instant friends.

#9 Old Stuff

Be it Strat-O-Matic cards from 1982, records from 1968 or Books from 1885, Nait Rey loves collecting old shit. It is believed that this hobby was passed down to him by his father Denny who has an extensive collection of turn of the century Toronto Maple Leafs jerseys.

If you ever want to make an effort to befriend Nait it is strongly recommended that you mention a flea market or estate sale you have recently attended where you got an original Tom Petty album or a first edition of War and Peace. Nait will be very impressed and the two of you can begin a conversation.

#8. Reading About Himself

Nait Rey thinks that all his friends are buttheads and wishes they would get their meat hooks off of him regarding his personal choices. As the saying goes, "If you know hate, you know Nait." So to engulf yourself into his world simply espouse about his friends.

Sure, he'll bitch and whine and stomp and pout about his friends. Hell, he'll even move to Portland to get away from them. But underneath his castle like exterior, he's grateful for all of his adoring fans. Which is why he's probably reading this right now.

#7 Pirogies

Is Nait Rey Polish? Really, who cares!?! One doesn't have to be a -ski to enjoy this delicious treat of potatoes and dough. After a long day of relaxing on the couch Nait is generally able to muster up enough energy to walk to the kitchen and boil up some of these Eastern European wonders.

Nate has recently discovered that pirogies not only come in potato flavours but can have items such as, but not limited to, cheese, sauerkraut, mushrooms, onions or a wide variety of meats packed into them. If you knew this before Nait, it is advised that you do not let him know about that. He will become embarrassed and you may loose him as a friend.

#6. Masturbation

All men like to masturbate and Nait Rey is no exception.

He especially likes to touch himself while listening to Tom Waits because
the warbling sounds from the speakers will eclipse any accidental sounds
that may slip from his mouth. Ask him why he has so many of Waits' albums
and he may immediately get a boner. Feign appreciation and knowledge of
Waits by remarking that you "heard some of his stuff in a movie soundtrack."

With cool headed responses like that the elephant will have left the room
and so too can you. Nait Rey will be relieved but still slightly
embarassed so he'll save his masturbation for his dreams where he and Waits
can tag team Bob Dylan.

#5 Occasional Drug Use

Once in a while, Nait likes to get high. Or crunked. Or smacked. Or trip. There are many different adjectives that describe Nait's yearly voyage into the great unknown, though one word describes it better than any other, infrequent. Whereas most drug users depend on their highs to get them through the day this does not apply to Nait Rey. Nait can whimsically decide that he would really like to do some shrooms tonight, or maybe, coyly ask if you know any one who can score him some pot. Of course you will oblige, and since Nait doesn't normally do drugs you will gladly purchase them for him because you are excited to see what it is like when he gets high. The two of you will get along famously from that point on.

#4. Proudly Drinking Cheap 40's

Nait Rey doesn't like to make money and in turn, he does not enjoy spending it either. Therefore he has deemed it an honorable endeavour to drink cheap 40's.

Bring up any shit-kickin' rot gut 40 name and Nait Rey will tell you a story about it. His personal fave is Steel Reserve. Once he drank 5 in one night, went blind and didn't get out of bed for 2 straight days. That wasn't a problem though because he doesn't work and the dreams he had while sleeping were fantastic. He'll tell you about it someday.

Drinking cheap 40's also adds a level of toughness to Nait Rey's otherwise docile demeanor. Nait Rey looks down on everyone all the time because he's so tall but when he's drinking a cheap 40, his pride oozes out like volcanic ash. Dare to be in his presence drinking a good tasting brew at such at time and be prepared to melt under his hot disdain. Nevermind that you can rub more than two nickels together, don't even think about attempting a comeback.

Pride goeth before the fall but not before pride tells you how much more awesome it is than you are.

# 3 Sleeping

Nait loves to sleep. Probably more than anything else. In fact the odds are if you see Nait standing that either he has just woken up or is planning on laying down in the not too distant future. This proves to be very convenient for Nait because while sleeping he doesn't have to deal with things like, paying bills, working or not sleeping. On top of that it enables him to dream about a fantasy life of sexual excess. So if you ever encounter Nait Rey while you are out, ask him how his last nap was, and it is likely that you will be in his dreams.

#2. Big Blue Buffalo Hoodie

No matter what the weather or occasion, Nait Rey loves wearing his Big Blue Buffalo Hoodie (BBBH). It's oversized (even for a tall species like the Nait Rey), it's an off-color blue, and it has "Buffalo" emblazoned on the front. Nait Rey likes to be a walking billboard for a town where he may or may not be from or, for a school he may or may not have attended.

He feels that by wearing a BBBH it's an easy conversation starter. Those in the know are aware that it's actually a UB sweatshirt so, to get in Nait Rey's good graces walk over to him with a confident grin and high five him while exclaiming, "Go Bulls!" This makes Nait Rey's day and in returen he's likely to offer up his sister for free sex.

#1 Driving A Van

Nait Rey loves driving a van. He enjoys this because it allows him to be outside and fully appreciate nature. If you are ever looking to get into Nait Rey's good graces it is recommended that you mention how much you wish that you had a delivery job. This will allow Nait to go off on a tangent about how he loves driving and seeing nature but he hates all of the gasoline it uses up at the cost of the environment. While he is talking nod your head in a knowing manner. This will show him that you understand.